Contempt Can’t Live in The Light

“To get less contempt, we need to expose contempt, and to expose contempt, we need to surround it with dignity.”

A couple of years ago, I was coming home from work in a fantastic mood, just floating on a wave of goodwill, when I found myself crossing the street at a corner. When I was in the middle of the street, the driver of a car that had inched past the crosswalk took his foot off the brake to make a right turn, and his car started backing toward me. Startled, I instinctively threw my hand out and hit the back of his car.

The driver, thinking I had hit his car in anger because he was blocking the crosswalk, completed his turn, stopped his car and yelled at me through the passenger side window. “Keep your hands off my car, man!”

For some reason, this didn’t pierce my good mood, and I leaned down, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your car. It just was rolling toward me, and I got startled and threw my hand out.” My statement was factual, but my tone was kind – and the contrast between his message and my response startled him. He said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, of course. I get it. We’re good.” And I said, “No problem at all, sorry I hit your car – it was just a reflex.”  We exchanged a volley of goodwill messages, and he drove off as we waved to each other. 

What happened?

When we see contempt clearly, it turns us off – even if it’s our own contempt. And the easiest way to see contempt clearly is to see it next to dignity. When we see someone acting with contempt next to someone acting with dignity, we want to back away from the contemptuous one. When we see our own contempt met with dignity, it’s morally embarrassing and we want to change.  

I experienced this just the other day when I sent a colleague an email that was a little snarky. When she responded with perfect grace, I felt embarrassed – and rushed to change my tone.  

There are a number of reasons we’re turned off by contempt. First, no matter who we are or what we’ve done, we want to see ourselves as basically good people – and expressing contempt or supporting contempt undercuts that self-image. Second, when we see people suffering, we want it to stop – and that means siding with the people who are suffering.

Now, you might be thinking, “If we’re turned off by contempt, then why is there so much contempt in the world?” 

Great question! We can be turned off by contempt and still live in a world awash with contempt because contempt hides. Contempt knows it turns people off. So it has numerous ingenious disguises that allow it to operate under cover. 

Contempt never expresses itself by saying, “I’m unhappy. I’m bitter about a lot of things. I’m filled with grievance, and there is just something about you I don’t like – so I’m going to blame you and hurt you and make you suffer because somehow this is your fault and seeing you suffer makes me feel good.” 

On the contrary, contempt operates by saying, “We’re good people fighting for freedom and justice and equality and patriotism against people who want to take us down. We would never hurt anyone unless they had it coming to them. We’re just trying to protect the innocent, defenseless people the other side is trying to hurt."   

Contempt always disguises itself as virtue, which means that it not only has to deceive us about what we’re doing; it has to deceive us about what the other side is doing. That’s all part of the disguise. If we want a good disguise, we have to demonize.  

If the other side is despicable, then it’s virtuous to hunt them down and hurt them. And we often do it without even noticing. Which means we’re disguising the contempt even from ourselves. That’s how contempt operates, but once we see its secrets, we know its weakness: contempt needs darkness; it needs excuses and disguises; it can’t live in the light.  

That’s why the way to reduce contempt is to expose contempt, and the best way to expose contempt is by contrasting it with dignity, ideally by surrounding it with dignity.   

A lot has been written about the power of non-violent protest – but to phrase it that way misses what gives it power. Simply being non-violent doesn’t get change. I can sit on my couch all day long being non-violent and make no difference. It’s exposing contempt that is the active ingredient in successful protest – and if an audience is watching and sees contempt on one side and dignity on the other, its sympathy will move away from the side using contempt and toward the side acting with dignity. This is how moral power is turned into political power. And the non-violent element is crucial because if the protestors respond with violence, it doesn’t expose the other side’s contempt, it covers it up. It gives it camouflage.   

So this is the core of the philosophy of change. Our divisions aren’t caused by our disagreements; they’re caused by treating each other with contempt when we disagree. To ease our divisions, we need more dignity and less contempt. To get less contempt, we need to expose contempt, and to expose contempt, we need to surround it with dignity. This can work at every level – in families, friendships, communities, corporations, and countries. When contempt tears us apart, dignity can bring us together.   

Don’t believe it? Let’s try it.  

Tom

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Dignity Updates

Karren presented at the Utah Rural Schools Conference. It was a group of educators from rural districts who wanted to learn more about the Index and how to use it in their classrooms. They had great discussions and came up with some awesome ideas to add to our resources! Thank you for having us!! 

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