Upstanders in the Kitchen

By: Tim and Linda Shriver

Over the last week, our team at the Dignity Index has been asked one question over and over again: “Is treating someone on the other side with dignity a sign of weakness? Isn’t dignity really an excuse for cowardice?”

That reminded me of teaching high school, particularly the classes where we studied the difference between being a bystander and an upstander in Nazi Germany. “Bystanders” were silent in the face of the hate-filled and murderous Nazi regime, and in retrospect, that silence is seen as complicity in the horrors of the regime.“Upstanders” like the Lutheran pastor, Dietrich Bonhoffer, spoke out against the injustice and that cost him his life. I can remember my students struggling with the question: “In our own time, are we bystanders or upstanders?”

The dignity movement believes that the issue isn’t whether or not to stand up for one’s beliefs, but rather how. It can seem like the only way to speak one’s truth is to heap hatred upon those with whom we disagree. Treating those on the “other” side with contempt is seen as strong, powerful, and attention-grabbing. Social media is the favorite means for this form of upstanding. The more hate we heap onto the other side, the more love we get from our fellow haters. 

The trouble is that using hatred and dehumanizing contempt as a form of political action has the outcome of producing enemies for your cause. If you want to win a name-calling contest, dehumanizing contempt is your tool of choice. If you want to make a difference, name-calling is a disaster. 

Contempt is like a vortex: first it builds and attracts; then it backfires and explodes. That’s the monster that has arisen in our time: first we celebrate the use of hatred as a means of solving problems, and then it backfires on all of us as we get consumed by contempt.

That’s the most dangerous threat today. But don’t take it from us. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr taught an alternative strategy for challenging and changing injustice: “Hate cannot drive out hate,” he said. “Only love can do that.” He’s clearly suggesting that some form of love should be the primary method of an “upstander.”

The same message was written some 3,000 years ago by Siddhartha Gotama, usually known as the Buddha: “In this world, hatred has never been defeated by hatred. Only love can overcome hatred. This is an ancient and eternal law.”

And if you want a more current version, check out Snoop and Tom Brady on social media right now. Hatred destroys. 

So here’s our view: Treating someone with whom you disagree with dignity may be the most powerful and underutilized tool in the work of being an upstander for change. In fact, it may be the only tool that can prevent the progressive breakdown of our country right now.

Over the past week, friends of mine have been sharing inspiration for the work before us. The quote above from the Buddha came from my colleague Tom. My cousin Kerry shared the post from Tom Brady and Snoop. My friend Dale reminded me of the poet Rumi’s words, “In the midst of chaos, find your inner calm.”

But my greatest inspiration this week came from my wife Linda. 

Linda’s joined a passionate, active church refugee support team—a group of extraordinary people of faith who work daily to offer food, housing, education, and hope to refugees in our community. Last week, one of the families they support was evicted from their apartment because of the chaos in Washington. It all happened in one day; a family of 4 was on the street.

The team sprung into action. An extended family was reunited. An apartment was found. Groceries, childcare items, and clothing were bought. New schools were found. And Linda brought the women to our house to cook traditional meals from their rich Afghan culture.

All day, the kitchen was bustling with chopping and baking and mixing and frying. Linda and the moms used Google Translate to communicate. Sweet and spicy aromas filled the house. Afghan music played softly in the background. Dishes and Tupperware were filled to the brim.

To me, they are upstanders protesting injustice but doing it without contempt. And to me, upstanding in the kitchen is a protest worth joining! They prove that protest can be joyful, awakening, powerful. In our view, these families are our friends. They risked their lives for our country. They are here legally. The policies that put these families on the street are badly misguided and likely to backfire. And we protested those policies in our kitchen because these people deserve the gratitude and love of Americans.

Thanks to Linda and her teachers, that’s exactly what they got.     

The work ahead remains. Some will be on one side; some on the other. Not all sides are equal. But we are all starving for new ways to resolve our differences. Treating each other with dignity may well be our only hope.

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Iradukunda on Diversity in the United States 🎥 

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On Saturday, Politics and Prose in Washington D.C. was filled with thoughtful conversation as Tim and Tom discussed Chasing Peace and the ideas behind Tom’s new book. (And a surprise visit from Tami added to the energy of the day!) ✨

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The Dignity Movement in Action

Earlier this week Tami and Annalisa spent time learning about leadership in the nonprofit space. Huge thanks to our partners at the Eccles Foundation whose mission is “helping good people do great things!”

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Spread the Word: Share and Engage

The conversation around dignity is growing, and sharing this newsletter helps bring more people into it. When we challenge contempt and focus on dignity, we create space for real change. If this resonates with you, share this on Facebook and invite others to join the conversation.

Follow us on Instagram (@thedignityindex) for more ways to engage. Every share helps shift the narrative—let’s keep it going!  

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