Love, Family, and Politics

If you’re a regular reader of our newsletter, you know that our team takes turns reporting on our experiences and work in building the dignity movement. And you’re likely accustomed to my messages, which are most often sparked by insight and inspiration I’ve received while traveling and meeting new people across the country who are engaged with the Dignity Index. My thoughts today hit a little closer to home, even though I’m nearly 5,000 miles away.  

I’m writing to you from Scotland, where my husband Aaron and I are taking an anniversary trip that has been decades in the making. First planned as a trip to celebrate 25 years together, the timing never seemed to work out as we waited for kids to leave home, bank accounts to grow, and work to be less demanding. Finally, for our 45th anniversary, our son—who had heard about our “someday” plans for years—surprised us with airline tickets. And that “someday” is now!

It’s staggering to look back over 45 years of shared experiences. How did we get here? What makes a marriage last this long? And perhaps most relevant today, how do couples and families weather the political and cultural storms that seem to be tearing so many apart?

Recent data from The Harris Poll suggest that nearly half of American adults are estranged from a close family member, and one in five say political differences are the reason. I’ll wager everyone reading this newsletter knows someone whose family has experienced this kind of disconnection.

My own family hasn’t been immune from some of these political headwinds. We have five adult children who align with 5 different political parties. I always thought of this as a parenting win—raising kids who grow and pursue their own interests educationally, vocationally, and politically. But as polarization in our country has deepened, sometimes it hasn’t felt like anyone was winning.

In the past few years, robust political discussions at our own family and holiday gatherings have too often been replaced with measured exchanges, or sometimes “no politics” rules altogether. And even careful conversations can unintentionally end with hurt feelings. For a family where civic engagement has long been part of our DNA, it can feel like we’re checking an important part of who we are at the door. 

And it’s not just our kids’ political differences we’ve had to navigate. My years in public service—12 in nonpartisan elected positions and 7 in a governor’s office—have changed my perspectives on policies and best practices, shifting my views closer to the center. My husband, meanwhile, has had experiences which have moved him more to the right. Instead of growing closer ideologically through the years, we’ve each experienced our own clarity of ideas that have led us in different directions. This has presented us with challenges for sure, but also opportunities for growth.

So what is the secret to maintaining close relationships in a time of polarization and contempt, a time when people are reduced to political labels and told that those with different labels are ruining the country? I don’t have all the answers, but this is something my husband and I both agree on: the foundation of strong relationships is dignity – seeing each other’s inherent worth and choosing to respond to differences through that lens, especially in disagreement or conflict.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned for decades of research on how to build and maintain successful relationships, emphasize that couples thrive by developing “shared meaning” through rituals, goals, and roles that reflect their “joint life vision.” I think of this as a SIX on the Dignity Index, where we search for the values and interests we share and don’t let our disagreements keep us from cooperating on the things we agree on.

The Gottmans also teach the 5:1 rule, which is engaging in at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction, even in conflict. And they warn against the use of contempt, which they call one of the Four Horsemen of communication styles that are poisonous to a relationship, and the single greatest predictor of divorce. Staying at FIVE or above on the Dignity Index can help us keep contempt from creeping into our relationships. 

After 45 years, I wish I could say we’ve figured out the secret to a lasting marriage and a happy family. We haven’t. Our shared faith has given us a strong foundation and keeps us grounded, and love and commitment have helped us weather a lot of storms. But we’re still learning and experimenting with practices that help. I am, however, deeply grateful for the things we’ve gotten right, and maybe even more importantly, that we keep trying. And I'm grateful, too, for the insight and perspective the Dignity Index brings to these relationships that matter most.  

Sending love from Scotland! (Aaron and I are off to explore a castle!)

Tami 

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Salt Lake City, Utah  |  October 19th - 20th, 2025 

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Dignity Updates

Madeleine spent the day with the Early Start students at Colorado Mesa University, guiding them through the Dignity Index. The room came alive as she revealed the scores: cheers rang out, a few groans followed, and laughter spread across the room. This is our second year engaging with these new freshman, and we're so grateful for this partnership! 

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It was great to have our Massachusetts team - Gerri and Alicia - join members of the Salt Lake City group for some strategic planning around our workplace initiatives. We’re lucky to have two people with such deep experience in the corporate space leading our Dignity Works initiative! 

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While in Salt Lake, Alicia and Gerri joined Preston and Tami in presenting to leaders across Utah as part of the Foundations of Public Health Leadership Development series. This week-long seminar is run by the Utah Association of Local Health Departments and supported by our new friends at Intermountain Health. We can't wait to do this again in November!

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